Fotografia © Elena Figoli

Until a year and a half ago I had a more or less stable job, also a more or less stable life, and I had almost always been a person who fought, an enterprising person until the darkness took posses me. Phrases such as: I am worth nothing, I cannot get out of bed, my house is a mess, my dog (which I adore) irritates me and, although my work is very special for me, when I review the numbers it is not worth economically, my academic goals were already reached…

The capacity of thinking of something positive vanished almost by  a magic effect. Everything was being negative, nothing in my life was worth to keep fighting. And I did, I tried to take my life.

In the hospital I realized how much I loved friends, family and people I still did not even know. There I had the fortune to meet again with a nurse with whom I had worked; she explained to me that there are many people who live a “relatively normal” life to which fate tests from a mental disorder. That this can happen to anyone, but we do not want to realize about this cruel reality reality and we stigmatize people for their diagnosis, which at the end, are nothing more than tests that confront your life to continue fighting.

Thanks to ActivaMent I have made new friends, new people with the same needs to be loved, to share experiences and to learn new ways to fight every day to keep up. And whether or not we are people with a diagnosis of mental disorder, everyone needs some kind of support.

I must also say that in my case I have not felt stigmatized by anyone, except for myself. People who knew me and those who now know me appreciate me for who I am and not for my physique, my profession, much less for my disorder. Although my profession has always been to take care of the weakest people, I now have to take care of myself.

I acknowledge that I am the most difficult user I have ever had, and although it is not easy, every day I have to struggle to get up, not forgetting to take medication to avoid falling again, to get out of the house daily and socialize. But even so, there are days a little grayer than others, and although I do not know the origin of my emotional changes, I almost always describe them to the seasonal changes, the menstruation, the biochemical changes of my neurons … I do not care much about the reason, I must try only to raise up my spirit in order to avoid falling back into that darkness that can devour you.

From here, I encourage you to get up, to fight, because even if you think you are worthless for the world, you are very worth to someone, only that you do not know yet.

Mayte Fernández